Why lack of intimacy could be contributing to your anxiety.
I’d like to talk to you about sex…..or more importantly, lack of it!
Lack of sex is one of the key factors cited in divorce in the UK.
Every month a new couple arrive at Hypno Help Clinic and the one thing they all have in common is that they do not complain about lack of sex in their relationship. Citing an array of other challenges, lack of communication being in the top three. Yet if I was to tell you that 100% of these couples were having virtually no sex in their relationship would that surprise you?
So, if no ones complaining it’s ok right?
Unfortunately the answer here is a sound no! A lack of sex or intimacy in a relationship is a warning bell that should just not be ignored. Once physical reasons are ruled out, if it’s left unaddressed the situation can and most likely will, go on to create multiple problems that will appear to be nothing to do with sex.
So why is sex important in a thriving relationship?
In the act of sex the couple accept each other in the most profound of ways. The apparent dirty and shameful sides of us are legitimated through our union. Our partner witnesses us and accepts us for all that we are. It’s also a symbol of the end to loneliness and an affirmation of ultimate trust. We produce dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin at various stages of the encounter.
Tell me why a lack of sex is difficult to admit then…
A lack of sex in a relationships is testament to admitting that we cannot be ourselves within the relationship. It produces feelings of shame and all too often anger and resentment. It can actually cause anxiety and depression if it goes unaddressed too long.
How do couples usually discuss this then?
I would love to tell you that couples discuss this with calm curiosity. However, this is unfortunately not the case. As feelings deepen, the offended party who is usually the person asking for the sex sinks into their feelings of humiliation and resentment. They may become mean, sulky and angry or inattentive and a whole list of conflicts develop that have ostensibly nothing to do with sex! Quite simply put it’s hard enough to admit rejection when we are dating but within the security of a committed relationship its multiplied.
Is it really a problem Charlotte?
Everyone wants sex in principle. When it’s not wanted it’s because the conditions are not being met and moreover is not being communicated.
The rejecting party is not communicating what conditions might make them want sex. “If I felt less criticised”, ‘If she understood my work pressures more”, If he valued my family more”. Or, it could be for a kink reason. “If only he would allow us to indulge in role play, rough play, dirty talk, more kissing etc”
The list is endless but fundamentally the conversations surrounding sex have not been shared.
So what should I do about the lack of sex in my relationship?
We have two options to explore here …
Or
If you feel that couples or individual therapy could work for you to try to help you discover your reasons then that’s fantastic. A therapist is a non judgemental space where you can explore your own mind without fear of rejection or ridicule. Confidence is gained and can then be introduced to our partner. Solution Focused Hypnotherapy is excellent for this.
In Solution focused therapy rather than traditional counselling, the therapist will help the couple develop a plan of action to achieve their goals, focusing on what has worked well in the past rather than dwelling on the negative aspects of the relationship.
If therapy is NOT for you……
You both could try writing a list of what you love about sex (or loved in the past) make the list as big as you can including small details like holding hands on the sofa, if you like that. Flirty text messages or simply time for a lovely shower. Then, when the setting is right, (generally not during or immediately after a disagreement) compare lists. You might just be surprised at how much you have in common. See if you can agree on one and commit to attempting within the next week.
If you have any questions or you’d like a free initial consultation to discover if this is right for you drop me a line.
Warm regards,
Charlotte